Life...

So, just a note of CAUTION: THIS POST MAY BE EXTREMELY LONG! SO IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ IT ALL, I WILL ABSOLUTELY NOT BE OFFENDED!!!

I haven't blogged in a while and I feel like I am going to take a different approach this time. Every time I have blogged in the past it has always been to show how things are going in life. I share all the good things in life and only share things that I can show through pictures. I feel like the people who do actually read this may know me pretty well, but lately I feel like I have made a lot of changes in my life and I don't even know myself.

I don't mean to sound dramatic but I want to have somewhere I can just write down my thoughts. I want to have a place where not only I can get to know myself, but a place where I can share the FEELINGS I have. Things you can't capture in a picture. At least, not the complete effect.

Lately there have been some things I have changed in my life. The last 8 months have been really interesting for me and I know that it's for the better. Sometimes though, I'm not sure as to how SOME things are for the better and I struggle. I'm here to give myself reassurance. I feel like I am usually a pretty happy and positive person. I mean, everyone has their days when you just want to break glass, haha, not always that violent but you know what I mean. Those days when you just don't want to talk or see anyone and not do anything. Then there are those days when you don't know why you feel sad, when there's absolutely no reason to be sad, or those days when you just feel like you are in a weird funk but you just don't know what's going on.

I've had some of those days lately, not very frequently, enough that I know there might be a problem, but I wish I could pinpoint exactly what my problem is. I don't like feeling sad. I don't like when people ask me how I'm doing and I just want to say, "I feel horrible and I can't stand being here", or "I'm upset and don't want to do absolutely anything or talk to anyone today." I hate being the person that is always complaining about one thing or another. I hate burdening people with my problems. I feel like, there are so many other people who have worse problems than mine and don't complain. It's all they know. And here I am in a country of so many freedoms and opportunies and I am feeling ungrateful, like I don't have enough.

So, what I've decided to do is make a list of the things that make me feel happy that I am very grateful to have. Things that aren't material. Freedoms that I have. Opportunities that have been given to me. Things I've done that have made me grow as a person. Although things may go not go the way I want them to go, I truly am grateful for so many things and I don't express it enough.

1. My family.
I don't know what I would do without my family. There have been hard times but we've made it and I am so grateful for that. Not everyone has a mother AND a father who are willing to do anything for them. My parents obviously have their flaws, as do I, and I love that. They may not be fun to deal with it, but these flaws are what have made us who we are today. Whether people like how we deal with our flaws or not, I feel like we are strong people, individually and as a family, and I absolutely wouldn't change them for any other family in this world. I love them so much and I wish that I could tell them this without them thinking I was silly, but I really do love them SO SO much, and would feel imcomplete without them.

2. Heavenly Father.
He is my savior. He made the ultimate sacrifice anyone could make for us. He loves me. He knows of my trials and tribulations. He will never test me with anything that I can't handle. I know that He has a plan for all of us and that He will never abandon me, as long as I am following the commandments that have been given to me. There's a poem called "Footprints" by Margaret Fishback Powers. You should all read it. It makes me want to cry everytime I read it. Sometimes I still do. Sometimes I think about how my life would be if I didn't believe in God. I feel like if it was all I knew I might be ok, but I know now that just having the belief and faith in Him in your life makes things so much easier. Even to understand why bad things happen to people. I have so much faith and I know that people change. Sometimes for worse and sometimes for better. They really do. I am so glad that I have Him with me and am so grateful that I believe in Him.

3. Life.
What can I say. I haven't had too many trials compared to other people. I really can say that I do have a great life. I don't mean to be boastful, but think about it. I have not only the things mentioned above, but I do have a home, food, and clothes to wear and water to drink. I have what millions of people don't have. Also, I have the opportunity to be tested and go through experiences that can help me grow and become a better person. Sometimes I feel like we take life for granted. Really, the purpose of life, regardless of whether you believe in God or not, should be to be happy. If you aren't doing things that make you happy, life can really suck. You feel like nothing will ever get better, like you don't deserve the things you have and that you aren't getting the things that you "need" or want. I am so grateful to have the opportunity to grow and to help other people and change. I love being able to live. Breathe. Have a beating heart. I love living and am grateful for every moment I have.

4. Friends.
I am so grateful to have friends. I am grateful that they love me. I love that we can just hang out doing nothing and it is fun. I love that the people and friends I have in my life now don't pressure me into doing things I don't want to. I mean, yeah I know no one can ever "make" you do anything, but many of us have been in situations that haven't been the prettiest because of the pressure given by people. I love that we have similar interests and even though I am weird, you all accept me for who I am. Without reservations. You will be there no matter what, even if I call you at 3 in the morning bawling or freaking out about something. I love you all and am ever so grateful to have met you all. I seriously do believe that people are placed in your life for a reason. There has absolutely been a reason for me to meet each of you and I appreciate those of you that have stuck around to be in my life today! :)

5. Trials and Tribulations.
I know, many of you might be thinking. Wow, who in the freak likes to have trials and tribulations?!? You might say, "Have mine, take them all!"
But seriously, take a minute to really think about this one. You are the person you are today because of all the experiences you have been through. Good AND bad. The good experiences help you acknowledge the positive aspects in your life. The bad experiences help you APPRECIATE what you do have in life and give you a different perspective of what y ou really want in life. There have been times in my life where I have cried myself to sleep for over a month straight. Again, not to be dramatic but some of us have times like that. I have felt like I had no purpose in life. I wanted to just disappear to an island and never come back. But in the end, it doesn't matter what problem you might have, everything happens for a reason. It might be completely devastating to you, but there is purpose in everything that happens. I personally believe that trials we go through are given to us because we can handle them. I obviously am taking a religious view on it that most religions agree with. We are here to learn and grow and it isn't always going to be easy. I love that I am the person I am today because of the hard times. I hope I don't jinx myself by saying I love problems, because I don't. But I appreciate them after the fact. I take each experience as a learning opportunity and I want to be able to learn everything I can now, so that when I have children I can help them with as much as I can. I don't want to experience every bad thing there is obviously, but I want to have a broad perspective on life and not be judgemental. I know everyone is judgemental at some point or another, because that is how life is. It's inevitable. It's just a matter of TRYING to be better at not judging people, and accepting people for who they are, because I want to be accepted for who I am.

But really, I think we all need to learn to accept the trials we have in life and go with it. It is way easier said than done, I know. But it will make us all such stronger people in the end. And there IS a reason for what is happening. Just always keep in mind that we are here to be happy. People always say, "One door closes so a better one can open", and it is very true. So just think about that, it might take a while to get what you want or need, but SOMETHING BETTER, WILL come. Whether you believe it or not, it WILL. I promise you, I have seen it in my life and in other people's lives and I guarantee to you, that regardless of what your situation is, even death, something better is there.

I love you all and if you made it to this point you truly are a trooper! I am grateful to have you all, whether you read this or not :) I really hope I didn't bore you all but that's my take on life right now. I hope I didn't offend anyone and I hope you all understand that I really am happy right now. I just am in a funk today and wanted to get out some feelings I was having.

The next post will be way happier. I pinky promise. :)

Thank you all!